How to Not Change Into The Hulk

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Don’t worry – be happy!

Okay, I did it! I saw that therapist today. And it was as useful to me as trying to shave my legs upside down (don’t ask me where that came from). So I walked out of that office tot he Tim Horton’s in the lobby where my husband was gratefully minding a sleeping J during my appointment. Did I mention how grateful and appreciative I am of my hubby? How he has had to put up with crazy, insane, all-over the place me the past few months (or was it the past few years)? And not once has he complained or commented on anything. Although he has been pushing pretty hard for me to see the crazy doctor therapist.

So anyway, I digress, back to me walking into Tim Horton’s and meeting that husband of mine.

“How did it go?”he asked

“Useless. She didn’t help at all.” I catch him smirking which means I take back all the grateful crap I said earlier “What are you laughing at?”

“This is so typically you.” he offers with an apologetic smile “She didn’t help at all? You didn’t like her? So will you see her again or will you see someone else”

I ponder on that for a bit “I don’t hate her. I don’t like her. She’s neutral; I un-nothing her.”

“Well that’s an improvement in itself. The fact that you didn’t loath the therapist on the spot and are not telling me now how unqualified she is means we’re getting somewhere. So seriously, tell me, did she tell you anything at all?”

So to appease him and make me seem less uncooperative I told him in detail about the 45 minutes session where I proceeded to state the cold hard facts in a bored voice poured my heart out and all the questions she asked. I also told him how she wanted me to listen to my ‘inner thoughts’ and pinpoint the early warning signs of anger. Before I proceed, I have a question; where the hell do they teach counsellors this crap. I’ve been to three different therapists over my lifetime, over two continents and they always say the same exact words. Do they give them a manual when they go to therapy school and tell them to follow the directions exactly?

1. Patient walks in.

2. Appear interested, nod head, listen.

3. Tell patient to take slow deep breathes when upset or angry

4. If doesn’t work, tell patient to look for physical cues

5. If this doesn’t work, tell patient to listen to ‘inner triggers’.

6. If this doesn’t work, kick patient out and proceed to instruction number 1.

Now I’m going to ignore looking for physical cues, because you know, obviously, everyone turns big, green, muscular and as cute as Mark Ruffalo when they get angry. My biggest problem i actually listening to my ‘inner trigger’ or ‘inner thoughts’. Being the crazy person that I am, I learned to squash those thoughts ages ago. Much like my husband when he decides to complain about my ability to focus on anything, I learned to totally ignore those thoughts. In fact I can’t hear them at all anymore. Which is a good thing, because imagine how much crazier I would be if those thoughts were running around my head. So no I’m purely a ‘no-thinking, just-action’ type of gal. Which would mean looking for the thinking before the action would just seem useless.

At the end, even though I know it to be totally untrue, I guess I was looking for a magic cure when I walked in today. And no-magic-cure-coming made me a little disappointed. I will try working on the behavioral modifications though and maybe go back and visit the un-nothing therapist which I don’t think will really help just so I can tell my husband a big, fat ‘I-told-you-so’ somewhere in the future.