One Blue Line? Two Blue Lines?

I’m late. Not for an appointment, or for the bus, or for anything else for that matter. I’m late for that monthly visit that makes all women worldwide wonderful people to be around.

I’m 5 days late for my period. And as a result I’ve been frantically peeing on pregnancy sticks non-stop for the past five days as if getting rid of all that pee on a stick will bring my period around.

Am I pregnant? No! Do I want to be pregnant? Hell, no! Or I don’t know! Or maybe? I’m just so confused and apprehensive and freaked out that I don’t know what I want. Ironically if I do get pregnant it will yet again help me defy all conventions and medical norms by getting pregnant on an IUD. My first two kids were almost miracles, since I was told I would not get pregnant without fertility treatment and both times I was surprised by the little blue lines on the stick without once popping a pill.

Back to the pregnancy scare. Ironically, I’ve been throwing around the idea of a third kid to my husband the past few months, partially to see how it sounds aloud but mainly to see him freak out and go into a deep sweat. But now that it may be true, I’m turning into the coward that I know I am and calling a do-over.

I’m probably not pregnant. The probability of it happening with an IUD is pretty low. My period is probably just taking it’s sweet time to get ready, in the mood and come, much like my arrival to all my appointments. But that’s too much probably’s for me to live comfortably. I need it to come now and I’m willing to do anything to get out of this waiting phase. I wonder if a rain-dance will work? Or does it work like child birth? Do spicy food and sex hurry it along? Should I try jumping up and down?  I’ll try anything to keep me from going crazy.

And so I’m off to the drugstore to buy yet another pregnancy test. I think they’ll start offering me a buy two get one free promotion to help me out after all the money I’m spending on this stuff.

 

Advertisements

The Geek Squad

I live in a quirky little household. Me and my husband were the poster children of geeks as kids – probably still are. It’s something we enjoyed and are proud of. We have storm troopers lying around the house, a subscription to Wired and National Geographic, a library of books lining the wall of our home in Cairo and a large number of electronics and gadgets that would put an Apple store to shame. Our favourite TV shows and movies have to involve vampires, werewolves, dead bodies or some kind of fantasy creature.

And our eldest has taken after us in alarming ways. Not a big sports fan, his Netflix account is littered with documentaries and animal shows. His room is full of Star Wars lego and figures. And his library of choice has a majority of encyclopaedias and reference books. Jo on the other hand is not looking so promising – he’s probably going to grow up and become a dance club bouncer – so for the sake of this post I’m going to pretend that he’s totally like us.

So with all the above characteristics you can predict what are reaction was when we found out that one of the Calgarian bookstores was going to feature a visit from Star Wars Storm Troopers and Darth Vader! The minute we read that, it was Geek Squad on alert! The whole family got dressed up and off we headed to meet our heroes.

Please don’t judge us.

20130508-110356.jpg

A Beautiful Day Cures Everything

The weather is gorgeous these days in Calgary and I’ve been running around the city, allegedly finishing off errands but in reality I’m just enjoying this good spell and don’t want to be cooped up indoors. And when I do get home, I take my laptop and sit outdoors on the patio, listening to the birds and Matchbox 20, pretending to work, taking my jacket off as the sun comes out from under the clouds and putting it back on when it goes hiding, being healthy and drinking green tea (along with frosted shortbread cookies) and all-in-all daydreaming about how peaceful life is without Jo. So here are the highlights of my day;

I’m supposed to be working on my website. My designer needs my notes and guidelines within two weeks and I haven’t even decided on a blog name yet. Let me tell you it’s proving to be a big pain in my ass trying to brand myself or what I’m going to be doing. How do I put an adjective on me when I’m so flighty and rebellious that I refuse to be defined by a mere adjective, verb or noun? I’m probably going to end up calling it ‘Reem’s jumbling mix of things that are totally unrelated’.

I went to Chinook today. Not by choice but because I had to exchange Jo’s new sneakers for a bigger size and the branch near my house didn’t have his size. It took me 20 minutes of driving around the parking lot trying to find one single empty parking space. By the state of the parking lot I imagined Chinook would be a stampede of people who decided to play hooky on a Tuesday afternoon. Surprisingly Chinook itself was pretty calm and empty. And then I realised where the masses and hoards were hiding; Target! The first three stores opened today in Calgary and apparently all the Calgarians decided they had to go experience the novelty of shopping in an American department store that wasn’t Walmart.

Passing through Shawnessy Boulevard on my drive home, I saw the bouquet of flowers leaning on the street corner and I remembered the horrific accident that I saw there two weeks ago; In the back of my mind, I can see the sun and the light breeze pulling at the paramedics hair as she bent over the prone little body of a three year old girl in the pretty neon hoodie. The traffic lights above listlessly turning from green to yellow to red and then back to green again on an empty intersection that only had a toddler lying in the middle of the street and the emergency responder who was trying to fight for the little girl’s life. The little girl lost the fight the next day in the hospital and I wonder what nightmares the emergency responder lives with now. It put a damper on my day, It had taken me 10 days to stop thinking about the accident and being depressed, but I resolved to go home and enjoy my kids a little bit more because you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Did I mention how much I’m enjoying the quiet with Jo in daycare? 🙂

 

 

Fact; Egyptians Ladies Love to Bellydance

In my quest to assimilate to my new life here, my introverted self has taken a vow to break out of my shell and get to know some new people. And even though I may grudgingly resent having to change out of my pyjamas most of the time and go and meet somebody or another, I have been somewhat consistent to my vow. So it’s along that line of thought that I forced myself last Saturday to shower (which I try to do regularly), put on make-up (which I try to never do at all), get into some nice clothes (didn’t put on heels though – that would have been over-kill for me) and go to a henna party for a girl I don’t know organised by a girl I don’t know and attended by a bunch of other girls I also don’t know.

What’s a henna party you ask? Well it’s an Egyptian – or the Middle Eastern – version of an all girls bachelorette party. Except that this particular bride-to-be was not actually a bride-to-be but was in fact already a bride, or the more accurate description would be a happily married wife of over a year. So why the henna? Because her husband was in Egypt most of the past year and was just recently able to get to Calgary. So obviously the Egyptian community ladies jumped at the chance to get together, dance like crazy, eat just as crazily, get henna tattoos (I have no idea where they found a henna lady in Calgary) and make dirty jokes about sex.

Back home in Cairo I usually tried to avoid these parties like the plague; I don’t dance, hate most arabic music, hate all loud music, don’t usually eat that well at crowded functions, hate gossip and find the not-so-subtle sexual belly-dancing half naked ladies prancing around a put off (I seem like such a prude – I assure you I’m not). Which are all essential ingredients for a successful henna party.

So there I was on a typical cold Calgary evening after having driven 45 minutes to get to the party room of a typical Calgarian condominium when I walk in and a blast of pure Egyptian social frenzy hits me. I did my dues, talked and chatted around for an hour and then got the hell out of there.

I walked into my house at midnight to find my husband sleeping on the couch. He woke as I came in and sleepily asked me how it was;

I shrug off my coat; “For the last hour and a half I felt that I was back home in Cairo.”

“Then you had fun, right?”

“No, it felt exactly like home, but not in the good way!”

Luigi’s Fresh Start

Luigi looked up at the fluffy cotton clouds and the powder blue sky. “Is this all there is to life?” A despodancy was filling him, maybe helped on by the sound of a bubbly Princess Peach and Mario, who he had rescued, again. He could hear their voices coming closer, Peach with her annyoingly sweet sugary attitude and her  charactersitically appreciative and ledwdly suggestive flirtations and Mario with the heavily accented Italian slurs..

He looked up at the sky one last time and jumped down off the tree-high mushroom he was standing on. As they came closer he wiped off the distaste and pasted on a fake smile.

“Hey Luigi, my man” boomed Mario twitching his mustache “How ya doing? Me and Peachy here, well, we’re gonna go grab a few beers before I go help her with her plumbing. Wanna join? For the beer of course.” Mario laughed and his big beer belly rolled with each snort and snorkel.

Luigi cringed as Mario gave him a suggestive wink. He didn’t know which was more repulsive; Mario’s idea of fun, which involved getting shit-faced drunk, or what he and Peach would be doing back home. Which was as close to plumbing as stomping kompaa’s was.

“Uh, no thanks” he hurriedly back-tracked “I have a number of things to get done.” And then he practically ran in the other direction before Mario could suggest anything more disgusting.

“Hey Luigi!” It was too late. Luigi slowed down and turned to look at Mario just as he and Peach were getting on the back of Yoshi.

“Can you finish all those actual plumbing jobs for us? That’s great. You’re awesome, man.” And off they went.

That was it. Anger was rushing like a hurricane through Luigi. He was sick and tired of all of this. Helping rescue Peach every week, single-handedly handling their plumbing business, running errands for Mario and what for? Nothing! No acknowledgement, no rewards, no fancy castle on a hill. While Mario had all the glory and the fun. Well, that’s it! He was done playing second fiddle.

He knew a deserted, forgotten pipe on the outskirts of the Mushroom Kingdom that flushed him straight out of this world. He had never told anyone about it because that was the responsible, brotherly thing to do. But now he was going to use this pipe to transport himself to somewhere, far, far away from here. Somewhere where there was no Mario, Peach, Bowser or anyone else who he would play have to answer to. Somewhere we he could start over and be the one and only hero. A place that would sing his praises and construct statues of him. Creatures that would appreciate his intelligence, jumping skills. muscular body and thick must ache.

Luigi was decided. He hurried excitedly to the pipe, wondering why he had never taken this chance at a new beginning before. Practically skipping, he reached a rusty, leaning pipe hidden behind acres of thorny bush and started hacking his way through, oblivious to the scratches and cuts on his arms.

He could almost smell the freedom, the success as he climbed to the top of the pipe, grinning from ear to ear. Standing on top, he took a deep breath, crouched down and got sucked through the vortex.

This was his time. He was on his way to greatness. The whooshing and spinning stopped. He had arrived. What was this new world like? Endless beaches and azure oceans? Forests of lush berries? Or unimaginable wonders? He opened his eyes to the colour metal. Gadgets, steel and a dreary towering structure and realised he was probably in a transport vehicle of some sort. Not only that, someone else was with him, slowly circling the perimeter. He looked at the huge, muscularly built man in combat greens, space helmet and a large, futuristic looking machine gun and slowly swallowed.

Right above his head he could see a small plaque with the words ‘Forward Unto Dawn’. Luigi looked over at the solider/space man and tentatively smiled as he tried to quell the rising fear and bile and came to the conclusion that new beginnings were over-rated.

Written in response to Writing Challenge: Starting Over

Making a new start is never as simple as it seems on paper. It’s easy to talk about losing a few pounds or giving up the job you hate to weave animal-shaped baskets on a tropical island, but less so to make it happen, and keep at it.

In this week’s writing challenge, we’re asking you to write a short piece of creative writing (fiction/poetry/prose poetry/freeform mindjazz/whatever floats your boat) on the theme of Starting Over.

Boys Will Be Boys

It’s 6pm and I’m frantically rushing around the kitchen, trying to get dinner ready. My DH is sitting at the dinner table try to appease a fussy Jo. Adam walks in, scratching his hair and pulling at one of the locks.

He mumbles without looking from the IPod in his hand, “How do you spell private?”

DH looks over a little surprised; “What do you want to spell again?”

“Private.”

Adam is exasperated he has to say it twice.

“Why do you want to spell private?” I look over at my DH, an crazy idea forming into my head as to why my 6 year old wants to spell private. But no, it can’t be. He’s still too young after all.

“Because I want to google girl’s private parts to see what it looks like.”

And it can be. I did not expect this day to come so soon. 6 years?! With two boys I knew it was inevitable, much like tyrannosaurus’s inevitable betrayal (see Firefly for the geeky reference). But I was hoping I’d have a longer run. 10, 12 maybe even 20 years.

When I commented to my husband a little later that it was too young for him to start thinking like that. He shrugged and said “Nah, seems right.”

Oh boy. Am I going to have some lovely years ahead of me.

So we sat Adam done, and we told him we can talk all about girl’s privates and what they mean. We can even get a refernce book and show him pictures. But we will not google it (internet porn will have to wait).

Adam was surprised. “Don’t we google everything?”

That stumped me for a bit. Until it came to mind,

“Well Adam would you like people to look at your private parts on the net?”

And that got to him. He was convinved and wandered away in full-on spaced-out mod.

Until my husband walked by him a few minutes later looking at pictures of girls on the IPod (fully clothes thankfully).

I Dedicate This Award To….

liebster

As you may have already read, I’ve deiced to break up the awards nomination blog and answer Cranky Giraffe’s questions here. Mainly because the other post was too long, and secondly because the questions seemed like such fun that I wanted to give them their space.

Here goes nothing:

1. If you had to pick one song to play, continuously, in the background to your life, what would it be? Why?

Eye of the Tiger? No sorry, it was so cheesy that I couldn’t help it. I talked about this before,several times actually, and I would probably pick Matchbox 20’s Unwell. You know that, crazy place in your head that you awlays seem to be lost in? Where somehow you think you’ve lost your mind. And people look at you your crazy but they just can’t stick around long enough to know the real you? Well, welcome to me.

2. If you could commit any one crime and get away with it, what would it be?

A bank robbery? Or you know one of those really elaborate, very high reward, high risk cons that end up ‘taking’ a lot of money from very bad people. A modern Robin Hood scheme that gets me extremely rich at the same time.

 

3. What is an interesting fact about someone in your family?

My dad has a moustache. He has always had a must ache, all of his life. But if you’d asked me if he had a moustache 5 years ago, I would have scratched my head and said ‘I don’t know’.

 

4. What is your favourite lie that you’ve ever told?  What were the circumstances surrounding that lie?

I try to not lie but ‘conveniently’ leave things out. As a teenager it used to get me a lot of leeway with my parents. I don’t have a favourite lie but one that I hate, and I’m still carrying to this moment. It meant keeping a major , life-changing piece of information from one of my friends.

 

5. Your boss pulls you into his office to talk privately.  What is it about?

That I should stop sexually harassing the new cute guy.

 

6. What do you “just know” in life?

That there a reason for everything. Nothing ‘just’ happens. And most things that happen, good or bad, always work out for the best. No regrets, right?

 

7. What is the last book that you read in it’s entirety?

I read a book around once a month but I think the absolute last one was a random Nora Roberts book. Oh, and I re-read ‘Pride & Prejudice’ for like the tenth time. I’m trying to read ‘The Blind Assassin now, but just can’t. It’s too boring. So back it goes.

 

8. What is “Victoria’s Secret?” (I know it’s a lingerie store… I’m talking about the secret)

That she was gay? And all the models in their shows are gay? I think I just ruined it for thousands of men everywhere. Or wait, did I make it better?

 

9. If you could be a fly on the wall in any one room in the world, which room would that be?

I know this seems common, but I would love to be a fly on the wall on my funeral. Yes, I know, I have validation issues, but I would love to know that my life was not for nothing.

 

10. I am a slogan and it says:

‘Caution. Work in Progress’

 

11. What is the favourite part/aspect of your life?

It used to be my job, but that was 6 months ago before I become unemployed. Now it’s a little hard to find. Maybe shopping?

 

 

OLRC’s News at 8

I know it’s Birthday Craze Week and all, and I promise you I’m not slacking off. In fact I’m working on the very creepy very cool Samurai Power Rangers cupcake toppers. Pictures tomorrow, I promise.

So I decided to take a break from all that and share with you highlights of my day.

You are now listening to the OLRC (On Life Reading’s & Cupcakes) Daily News at 8. Todays top stories are:

-It’s been snowing all day today. No big surprise there. But every thing is white. Again. It had just become green yesterday after all the snow from the last snow-storm had melted. So yay, lucky me, more snow means more shoveling out the driveway. On the bright side maybe I could count that towards my daily exercise routine (See that. I’m trying to imply that I exercise regularly, which I obviously do not. But don’t blame a girl for trying to make a good impression. And this sub-parenthisis comment has gone on much too long).

It’s a white, white world.

– I decided to let Jo have his first hands on experience with snow for the first time today. Needless to say he was not happy.

I am not happy!

– In other news, you know that website ‘Shit My Kids Broke’? Well Jo decided he would like to become a regular subscriber. And his first submission; my IPad. Yes the picture below is correct, he decided that he didn’t like the plain old touch-screen on my IPad and thought it may look prettier with a web of zig-zagged and mangled cracks. So he slammed it on the floor. End of story.

My poor, poor IPad

– On the subject of Jo; he is getting so big and his vocabulary is expanding day by day. He can now say three whole words: ‘Hot dog’, ‘Hello’ (on the phone) and ‘Poo poo’. Yay me! While poo poo is a little icky, it’s actually even weirder to see a 60cm baby toddling around yelling ‘Hot Daw’ at the top of his lungs.

The origin of ‘Hot Dog’

So this is my day and it’s highlights. And much like a small town news report; it is extremely boring and totally uneventful (except for the broken IPad, that is a heinous crime). I just hope your day was much more exciting as mine. And even if it was not, why don’t you share those dull moments. After all even shared boredom becomes exciting.

Now stay tuned for sports and the weather.