The Crazy in the Photo

It’s been a Bones marathon at our house for the past few months and since we are people that love our blood, gore, corpses and absence of emotional content very much, we’ve been quite happy and satisfied. That is until two nights ago when I watched episode 9 ‘The Doctor in the Photo’. Remember when I said lack of emotional and dramatic content is a key factor to my escape tv? Well, that episode broke the rule. I’ve been hashing and rehashing in my mind plot lines and quotes from the episode:

Sweets: The mental analysis of Lauren Eames: She was highly controlling and she was stressed …. To deal with this, she emotionally detached herself and made herself to not care. In order to start feeling nothing, she began behaving erratically, in order to feel something – anything…

You may not be a Bones fan and I wouldn’t blame you so I’m not going to go into details about the episode. The above lines are self explanatory anyway.

Normally I watch episodes and then forget them a minute later. Which makes following highly plot based stories a huge nightmare. But this one touched something and it made me stop and think. About regrets (which I convince myself that I have none of) and about emotions – or lack of.
I’m not an emotional type, whether by nature or by an excellent suppression system I’ve highly developed and perfected over the years, beats me.
I can’t deal with pain. Subconsciously and almost automatically I push it aside and bury it somewhere deep inside. It’s gotten to the point where I stop feeling and stop thinking.

And when the character of the psychologist Sweets said the above mental analysis a ping set off in the back of my brain. Aside from the anger and frustration issues that I have, the rest if it is me! The adrenaline rush and pursuit of any kind of thrill; roller coasters, bungee jumping, hanging outside window ledges from 10 storey buildings. And these were no easy feats for a girl with motion sickness and a fear of heights. And let’s not go into the self-cutting. Maybe I was just looking to feel anything.

Hopefully I’m older and wiser now. And I am trying to make a conscious effort to stop the logical rationalization. There will be times where I will mentally stop myself with
‘No you are not pushing that aside. You need to stop and think how you feel.’

To wrap up…

Micah: How’d it work out? Brennan: I listened to the universe. I felt something. I’m sad. Micah: That’s so much better than dead. Or even dead inside.